You cannot be in the presence of God without being changed.
I have been in a deep relationship with God for 14 years (I started young) and like most people, I have had many victories and many mishaps, trials and walls built and torn down. But this particular season that I have been in, (that also seems to feel like it has lasted a lifetime) the walls I have built up and the hurt and disappointment I’ve experienced, has left me in a place that I have never been before, with walls taller and thicker than ever.
My heart has been in need of major change and renovation. Because hurt, bitterness (especially), and anger, taint a heart. I felt as though my heart had been robbed and I couldn’t recognize this piece of me that God has spent many years crafting, shaping, molding in His hands. (Disclaimer: I know that He is still crafting, shaping and molding my heart, my life, and this season is all part of that.) No part of me wanted to go to God, because I couldn’t recognize my heart, and frankly, I felt abandoned, and let down. But what God does best in my life, is pursue me, and so pursue me He did (does).
He was gentle, when He could have been forceful. But God is full of mercy.
He was long-suffering, when He could have been short-tempered and hard.
He was full of love, instead of disappointment.
He is constantly giving me what I do not deserve. He is Grace.
There are times where His presence is so beyond overwhelming, that everything becomes so unbelievably clear. That I become fearful out of reverence and awe that I am meeting one on one with the Creator of the Universe and He communes and loves and wants a relationship with ME. I love His presence. (It is the safest, yet most vulnerable and wildest place)
I know I have to start to let down my walls, and stop fighting and/or ignoring the emotions and God has given me a defining moment, a memory, that has spurred me on. Opened my eyes. Tore down a few pieces of my wall. Brought color and breath to my heart.
God has always been faithful to me. And even though I may feel that He has let me down, I can’t believe it, because I know it is not really true. My fragile, sensitive heart, needs revived. Needs to feel, what I need to feel to heal, and to grow, and to love even deeper. And I know just the person for the job. He’s been here all along, right beside me, holding my heart from the very beginning through it all. It is well.
I have started to recognize my heart again.
‘Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.’ Psalm 51:10