In a previous post I mentioned how going to counseling has been a huge help in my well-being. I would like to share with you my ‘counseling’ story so to speak.
It took me about ten years to actually have the courage to go to counseling. I should have gone a long time ago, but there was always this stigma of shame around the word ‘counseling’ for me. I never thought bad of others who went or needed it. I knew it was a good thing and a helpful thing. Whenever it came to me though, it was shameful.
When I was in Northern Ireland serving with YFC and at a local church I had entered into a season of great doubt. Doubt in God & my salvation and it led me down a really dark path. To the point where I had to leave to go home about 6-7 months early. How was I to teach & disciple young people in the ways of God if I didn’t even know if I believed in Him anymore? It was there in Northern Ireland before I left that I was just about to enter into counseling which was advised by my leaders but because I went home early, that opportunity went away and I never sought it out when I got home.
Then about a year and a half to two years ago I had a job review with my bosses (aka, Pastors). We had these papers where I had to rate myself on certain scales for specific things (task & character related) and they rated me on the same things. It became very clear from that meeting that my view of myself was disturbingly low and as one said, “not reality.” I didn’t argue with them because deep down I knew it to be true. Somehow through my 20’s for some reason my confidence was just destroyed. Confidence has always been an issue for me since I was a little girl, but mid-late twenties I think is when it spiraled downhill for the worse. It was after that meeting that counseling was suggested and I knew it was time to pursue counseling.
It took me about 6 months to actually make the call to schedule my first appointment. I kept putting it off, because it scared me. I believed it no longer to be a shameful thing and I knew I needed it, I just didn’t want to do it because I knew it would be difficult. But, I wanted to change. I was miserable and broken in my heart, my mind and in my work. So I finally made the call one day while at work and scheduled my first appointment and in June of ’18 I started counseling.
I hated it. (But knew it was helping) The first few months was really just recognizing how hurt I was. I had been hurt by judgements put on me for things about myself that I started to think were not okay or acceptable – but were true to who I am at my core. My counselor helped me to see that who I am – is actually okay. The fact that I am a very emotional and sensitive person, is 100% okay. The fact that I deeply care about people and care what they think, is 100% okay. She taught me different perspectives to help me in my thinking and accepting of who I am.
I also learned that my biggest fear and what I hate most – is pride. So my motivation to tear myself down and to not be confidant is to keep myself from becoming puffed up and prideful.
I learned that I am actually a motivated person. I always thought I was unmotivated but it turns out that everything we say and do, is motivated by something. Whether it’s positive or negative. And motivators are a good thing. If we can recognize what our motivation is, we can understand why we do what we do.
I also learned that I am a people pleaser. I need boundaries. So I’ve started to implement some boundaries for myself and that has done wonders for my emotional and spiritual health. (A book that helped me with this is ‘No More Christian Nice Girl’ ) It’s just a matter of keeping up with those boundaries (this can be the tricky part)
I think overall, the biggest things that I took away from counseling was 1) to celebrate and 2) that who I am, is A okay. It is okay to be me – and as I get older I will be more comfortable with who I am.
About late fall I started to go less because I was told I didn’t need to go every week like I had been. I was pumped. I had gotten to the point where I was able to say things that I did good and smile….instead of not being able to even admit good things I did at all, or cringe when I did even a decent job at something.
I also noticed that I started to become more intentional. More intentional to be more pleasant and supportive at work instead of the pain in the ass (excuse my language but sometimes it’s what portrays what is true) I was. More intentional in spending time with my friends. More intentional in my relationship with God and spending time in His Word and journaling and personal worship.
And then I started out 2019 with being told that I don’t need to go back to counseling unless I really want to. I celebrated with DQ AND Mcdonalds! Super healthy and great choices, I know. (I’m a stress & celebratory junk food eater)
So here I am today, 6 months of counseling changed my life. Changed me. Took a toll on my bank account (counselings not cheap). Took a toll on my emotions (I cried every single time the first 4 months) but I am so thankful I was pushed to do it. Will I go back again, I am sure I will. In fact, I probably should call them this week. Will I still struggle with a lot of these issues, I am 100% sure I will. But I feel ready. I feel prepared. I feel renewed.
If you’ve been questioning on whether to go into counseling, or you have a friend who really could benefit from it – do it. Don’t be ashamed. These people can relate to you, they know how to get things out of you and how to teach you to see differently. They care about you also. I loved seeing the excitement on my counselor’s face and in her voice whenever I made progress. She continuously challenged my perspectives, but also continuously showed me my progress and growth. Sometimes we just need an outside person who doesn’t know us – to do these things for us. Because we know our people will always fight for us and sometimes, as sad as it is, their words can unfortunately turn to mush. When you’re no longer believing what your friends are telling you – about yourself in-particularly, maybe it’s time to go to an outside source. And counselors are perfect for that. It’s literally their job.
Maybe counseling will take you longer, or even shorter. Maybe we all should go to counseling as a check-in every few months or less or more often. No matter how often one may need it – don’t be ashamed. Don’t compare. We are all individuals and unique with different hurts and quirks. Don’t let the roadblocks stop you from being sanctified.
Grace & Peace my friends.
jillian.maxine 