The Lord restores.

Today is a very springlike day. And I can’t help but feel the breeze and smell the warmer air and feel a sense of new life beginning. My last post was about being rebuilt…and this post seemingly fits in response to it. At the very end of the previous post, I said that if there is one thing you can pray for me for, it would be to fall in love all over again. Over the past week, I have felt a drastic change in my heart. More pieces of who God has designed me to be, and my intimacy with Him have begun to be awoken and healing. And if you know me at all…..the tears have started to fall again, which is a huge part of who I am and how I am designed and this brings me hope for where I am at, and for the future.

Amidst of disappointments, God is prevailing.
Amidst of hurt and brokenness, God is healing.
Amidst of fear, God is relentless.
Amidst of what has been lost, God is revealing.
Amidst of what has been dead, God is bringing life.
Amidst of what was forgotten, God is bringing to light.

This particular rebuilding process, is a new one than I’ve experienced before. There truly is nothing new under the sun, as Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes. For the things that at the beginning of falling in love with Christ that made me alive, are the same things now, that have been forgotten, that I realize bring me life even now. It is so easy to lose sight of who we are and the quirks and special things about us that God has placed inside of us. When we are dealing with hurt and brokenness and the ugliness of bitterness, and even in relationships with others and in ministry and work…we can forget who we are at our core because we get so caught up in what people expect of us, what they say about us, how we feel, what we WANT to do…(this list can go on), rather than remembering that who we are is completely found and designed in God and no one, or anything else.

 

The past week there have been things that have brought me closer to Christ. There have been conversations, there has been a fun group of kids, there has been stories and prayer time with others, and alone time reading and journaling and worshipping, there has been corporate worship and dancing time that have all been relevant, and touching my heart.
I truly feel as though I have seen a blackened heart, turn a few more shades of crimson red.

For this, I am grateful. For those moments and people, I am grateful.
And I actually look forward to what is to come.

 

 

“Thus says the Lord God to these bones: ‘Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the Lord.’” Ezekiel 37:5-6

I’m in this weird place.

I want to be with God. I want to be godly. I want to speak and think well of people. I want to know God more, at a much deeper level than before. I want to grow. I want to not get easily angered. I want to be disciplined, to do the things I know draw me closer to Him. I want to be in the light. BUT I can’t make myself spend that time with God. I can’t make myself journal, I can’t make myself just sit and read, I always find something else to do, or busy myself.

I know I love God. I know His grace, His mercy. I know the light. I know His love. I know His discipline.

I believe in His Sovereignty. I believe in Christ, I believe the Word. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. I believe in prayer and in God’s bride. I believe God is good.

I see His love and grace and pursuit. 

I feel Him, when I worship. I know Him, when I worship. I believe in Him, when I worship. I see Him, when I worship. This is the only time I do not feel the disconnect.

But there is a disconnect and has been for a while. I think because I felt like I lost parts of who I am (see my first post on this blog), I’m in this weird place where I remember, and I know who I am in Christ, all He has made me and called me to be, but I feel as though

.I have to be rebuilt

The encouraging thing about needing to be rebuilt, is that whenever I think of a building that has been burned down, or destroyed by a tornado, or towns that has been destroyed by hurricanes….even though it takes time to rebuild, in the midst of the rebuilding there is a community around, and the building is always updated with a stronger foundation, stronger walls, updated interior design. That girl will return, only she won’t be a girl any longer, but a woman. A woman of God, who has been rebuilt by God and handled by God and healed by God and moved by God. That will be me.

That will be YOU.
Jesus referred in the gospels to the temple being destroyed, prophesying of His crucifixion. But He was not destroyed, for He ascended and resurrected in a new and better body. As will we some day. And in the mean time, He is sanctifying us, and has already called us and sees us Redeemed.

O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

 

 

 

If there is one thing you can pray for me…it is to fall in love all over again.

Sometimes, I find it easier to just say I have lost hope, than to walk in faith.

I was talking to a friend the other week, and I realized that I have been believing a big fat lie.
I am single (this is not the lie). And if I am being honest, MOST days, I am completely happy with my singleness. I thoroughly enjoy my independence and the freedom I have to do what I want, when I want, not having to double check dates or times with someone is quite nice and easy! But there are days, where it just plain sucks, and I hate to admit it, but I allow myself to wallow in my singleness (commence junk food and Netflix binge). (Disclaimer: this post is NOT to encourage people to tell me that there is a guy out there for me…just be patient and wait…i could be rich by now for all the times this has been told to me…so I kindly ask, please refrain from such comments! Thank you!)

So I admit these things all over the internet why?
Because, the lie that I was believing, was that I have become hopeless in ever getting married, of finding a partner to go through life with. That God has chosen to not give this desire of mine, to me; ever. That I am either not worthy enough, or too worthy to receive such a gift (if that makes any sense). That loneliness, is just a part of my life, forever. And you know what, that part might be true. Who am I to say? But the point is…believing this lie, has strongly affected my intimacy and relationship with God, in a very debilitating way and that is not okay because it has also affected my other relationships and my heart.

As my friend pointed out to me, I am not actually hopeless, because I still dream of someday being married with kids. When we are hopeless, dreams die and my dream, has not died. And I cannot even describe to you the amount of power and freedom I feel in that bolded sentence alone. I am not defined by being single, nor are people defined by being married.

We can have dreams and not be discouraged by not having them in our hands, if our dreams are rooted in and handed over to Christ. He is our true reward.

I share this because I know there are many of you out there who feel like you have become hopeless in certain circumstances. I want to encourage you, that if you still are dreaming, about what you feel hopeless about, you are indeed not hopeless. You are just discouraged,  let down and hurting and I can guarantee you, it is affecting your view of God and relationship with Him. Your first step, is to admit that you are not hopeless, but that you are hurt. To tell God how you feel about the situation and then allow Him to remind you that He is the one in control and He in fact, who loves you deeply, has given you His Holy Spirit to be able to persevere and trust Him with your situation.

And if you find it easier to just say you’re hopeless rather than to walk in faith, don’t take the easy way out. It only leaves you wanting. restless. and unsatisfied.